What are the stages of grief?
American-Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first highlighted 5 stages of grief in the 1960s. Since then, her approach has been adapted and extended to 7 stages, and within that there’s still room for debate.
“One of the most commonly known theories about grief is that we go through ‘stages’,” says grief counsellor Nathan MacArthur. “But more recent research – and my experience of working with people who are grieving – would suggest grief is messier than that. We can feel we’re starting to become more accepting of the reality of a loss, then unexpected waves of emotions come over us – when we see someone who looks like the person who died for example, or a particular piece of music comes on.”
Do the stages of grief happen in order?
Grief is a universal experience and can be a response to losses of many types. “All of us experience some level of loss throughout our lifetimes,” says grief counsellor Wendy Liu. “These include the breakdown of a relationship, miscarriage, death, divorce, the loss of a pet, losses through changes in the workplace, loss of sexual intimacy, or loss of independence through illness or injury.”
What’s important to note is that everyone’s grief journey is unique. And, while referred to as ‘grief stages’, it’s important to note they aren’t set in stone: sometimes the stages overlap or are skipped altogether. However you experience them, understanding these 7 elements can be helpful in identifying some of the emotions you may experience.
The 7 stages of grief
1. Shock
Feelings of shock are unavoidable in nearly every situation, even if we feel we have had time to prepare for the loss of a loved one. We know it’s going to happen, but not right then, not on that day. People in shock often appear to be behaving normally without a lot of emotion, because the news hasn’t fully sunk in yet.
“Often there is a sense of numbness and a self-protective detachment from your feelings, because they are too intense to deal with,” says Nathan.
2. Denial
Many people experience denial after a bereavement: they know something has happened but it doesn’t feel real.
“For me, the denial was not that I didn’t believe it – it was more a sense of, ‘But how can they not be here? How can they have been here, and now they aren’t?’” says Sherene.
In addition to experiences of shock and denial, people often describe having a ‘mental fog’, says Nathan. “This can include forgetfulness, lack of concentration, sleeplessness, lack of motivation, repetitive thoughts and inability to make a decision.”
3. Anger
It’s perfectly normal to feel anger in times of loss, but often people try to keep this stage of grief hidden.
“Anger is a difficult emotion to deal with and can be minimised by others,” says Nathan. “But it’s important to find someone with whom we can connect in an honest way.”
“I felt frustrated that my experience of grief was different to that of those I was close to,” says Sherene. “I was angry with myself – that I was taking too long, and wanting to talk about Mum and Dad to people who felt I should’ve moved on.”
4. Bargaining
The bargaining stage is about making promises to yourself or a higher being, asking the universe for a chance to put things right. A bereaved person may seek reason where there is none, and may feel guilty about how they behaved, or feel in some way to blame.
“There’s a sense that, ‘Maybe I could have done things differently’,” says Nathan. “If only I’d stopped them leaving the house or I knew more about their medical condition, I could’ve intervened. We may feel helpless and hopeless, and consumed by thoughts of, ‘What if?’”
5. Depression
The jumble of emotions that usually accompanies the grieving process can typically lead to feelings of depression, isolation, anxiety and a feeling of dread. Sometimes the suffering seems too much to bear. “Someone may question the meaning of life, or feel they want to be reunited with the person that’s died,” says Nathan. In cases like this, it’s so important to ask for help.
“People are often unsure of how to help us in our grief, so if you can accept an offer of help or ask for help, it will have the effect of strengthening those friendships,” he adds.
6. Acceptance and hope
Humans, by nature, crave contact, connection and support, and at some stage in the grieving process will want to engage with friends and family again. Acceptance is about realising you can’t change the circ*mstances, but that you can gain some control over how you respond.
“At times, we may need to distract ourselves from the grief, or place it to one side, so we can get on with work or social situations,” says Nathan.
But this is also a stage where you might slip backwards and find yourself feeling overwhelmed from all the emotions again. It’s normal to move between any of the stages of grief from hour to hour, or even minute to minute.
Says Sherene: “I gave myself permission to grieve. I felt that patience was a gift to myself.”
7.Processing grief
There is no right or wrong way to grieve – the process is highly individual. In addition, there’s no quick fix; the healing process takes time and varies from person to person. Importantly, there is no “normal” timeframe, so be patient with yourself.
Wendy also suggests the following coping strategies that you may find helpful.
- Express your grief in words or another creative outlet, such as painting or drawing.
- Connect with others – this can be loved ones or community support groups.
- Ask for help, in whatever form.
- Practise deep breathing regularly.
- Set small, realistic goals.
- Ensure you’re getting enough sleep and aim for some form of movement each day.
- Eat a healthy, balanced diet and keep hydrated.
- Rehearse how you respond to questions and new situations.
Getting help with grief
At HCF, we're trying to make it as easy and fast as possible for you and your family to access the mental wellbeing support you need. PSYCH2U mental wellbeing services are unique to HCF, offering eligible HCF members* access to online video support and navigation to other mental health services as needed.
If your child needs support in dealing with grief, HCF members with hospital or extras cover have access to Calm Kid Central^, an online educational and support program to help kids aged 4-11 manage tough life situations.
If you're struggling with depression or anxiety, and need to speak to someone now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Words by Shonagh Walker and Sara Mulcahy
Updated May 2022
